24

For months, those bastard union writers deprived America of its essential reminder--that there are bad people out there, and that only the few, the proud, and the lawless like Jack Bauer stand between us and our future as just another backwater terrorist outpost. Who knows, if the writers' strike hadn't erased 24 from the prime time schedule through most of 2008, maybe Sarah Palin would have assumed her rightful role as the lacer of John McCain's Metamucil.

But no matter. Jack is back.

Well...back for only a night. The two-hour remnants of what would have been the entire season has aired, and we can all rest assured that since all is still wrong in Jack's world, perhaps then all might be right in ours.

Relax, and understand...

• Automatic weapons have no effect on Jack. They either unfailingly veer away from him at the last instant, or simply bounce off;
• If you have any hope of capturing him, you better bring at least 20 guys packing heat; anything less than a couple dozen-to-one is a hopeless mismatch;
• Not only is the U.N. the bane of true freedom fighters around the world, but as this spectacular shows, the organization is even more dangerous when a typically clueless and craven Frenchman--yes, a guy with a real fake French accent!--is in charge. God help us;
• American bureaucrats in the field are still mindless tools, while their higher ups in the government are actually supporting the very terrorists that Jack is trying to defeat! Government sucks, man!
• All this leads at warp speed to a moral dilemma not seen on screen since Sophie had to make her choice; while the last chopper is about to depart, Jack pauses to the last possible moment, struggling with the singular good-versus-evil decision that may define his character forever: is it worth the lives of the dozen young boys he's pledged to safeguard...if it means agreeing to testify before Congress?!!!

Egads, what more is a man supposed to endure? The guy's been beaten, kidnapped, tortured, betrayed, forced to turn his back on love, family and even country, all in order to save us. But this...well, this is too much--face a freakin' subpoena?! Do not let impressionable children see this.

I can hardly wait for the next full season to pick up in January. If you witnessed this harrowing prequel, you could rightfully fear that Jack has finally met his match, in the form of duplicitous, liberal, U.N.-loving Congressional committee...and in the face of this fire, he must certainly fall.

But if you think that for even a heartbeat...then you don't know Jack.